8 lessons I’ve learned about SA recovery

Hey everyone!

I’m Michoel and I’m a sexaholic.
It seems like yesterday when I walked into my first meeting, scared, powerless, and not knowing to expect. I’ve been thinking about what I’ve learned over the past 4 years since that day.

Here’s a roundup of some lessons that I wish I learned a little earlier in recovery. Perhaps they can be useful to others as well.

Here goes!

1. Step work is more important than Meetings

The best time to own a gym is around New Year’s. That’s when everyone who wants to get in shape goes out and buys a gym membership ?. But seriously, joining a gym is the easy part. Regularly working out is very hard – and so few people do it (including yours truly, who wrote this entire piece while sitting on the couch…)

The same goes for program. “Joining” the fellowship is like joining a gym. Coming to meetings is like walking in to the gym. But only doing the Steps and using our tools is the actual workout. And that’s the hard – but worthwhile – part. But if nothing changes – nothing changes.

When I first joined SA I was on fire – I went to every single meeting I could. 5 meetings a week! Sometimes twice a day. I thought I was doing great. That is… until I had Step work to do. Then I preferred to go to my comfortable meetings instead of doing the difficult writing.

Then my sponsor suggested the unacceptable: he told me to start skipping meetings and do my writing instead! I was really annoyed but eventually did it. And sure enough – over time the Step work changed me.

Meetings are important – that’s where I recommit to sobriety with my fellows, and can learn what works for them. That puts the critical “We” in “we admitted we we powerless…” – Step 1.

But that’s when I learned that Step work is more important than meetings.

2. I NEED Absolute Honesty / Zero Secrets

The first time I relapsed after some months of sobriety, I had been sneaking around. I had been lying to my sponsor. I hadn’t been fully honest with what I was up to.

I had been touching myself (I’ve since heard it called “halfturbating”) and not told anyone. I had been searching for and getting a lust hit off of non-explicit images. And I didn’t tell a soul. Sure enough, I eventually relapsed.

Over the years I’ve learned that more important than what I do, is that I’m 100% honest about it with someone. I can have exactly zero secrets. That’s the only way I can stay sober.

Nowadays every single fantasy I have must be shared with someone in the program, without exception – in explicit detail. Every fantasy, flashback, thought, idea, action, click, etc.. If I’m ashamed of it, I MUST share it with someone. This is how I live the 5th Step as part of my daily life. (“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”) There are only a handful of my SA friends I’m totally comfortable sharing anything in total explicit detail. But I tell them absolutely everything.

Just yesterday I was forced to admit a whole bunch of new things to my sponsor. And he was able to give my valuable (and annoying) feedback and guidance – only because I had told him the whole story.

I once heard – “If you have something to say but don’t, that’s also a lie”.
And so total brutal honesty is irritatingly crucial to my program.

3. My sponsor won’t keep me sober

I used to think that if I found the perfect sponsor – with decades of sobriety, the same social and religious background as me, and of course the same MOs as me – then he’d keep me sober. With his magic “sponsor rays” ?. Then I’d stay sober. Until then, I can act out. I didn’t find the perfect sponsor yet. It’s not my fault! Right?!

Nope.
Here’s the story that taught me that:

I really loved my first sponsor. He taught me so much. I followed his directions and built up a number of months of sobriety. I was on a roll.

Then my sponsor relapsed. I hesitatingly switched to a different sponsor. Months passed. But I didn’t really listen to the new guy. And so I relapsed as well, some time later. I went on relapsing for a very long time.

Eventually my original sponsor was available for sponsorship again. And I missed being sober. “Wouldn’t it be great”, I thought, “if I went back to him? He would keep me sober like the good old days!”. So I asked him to sponsor me again. And he agreed!

But things didn’t go very well. I didn’t call him. I didn’t listen to his advice. I didn’t do the Step work he prescribed. And to my surprise, I went right on relapsing. And he had to let me go. So much for him keeping me sober.

More time passed, and I got “sick and tired of being sick and tired”. I asked another guy to be my sponsor. This time I meant it. I called him. I shared everything. He told me what to do. And I tried to follow his suggestions. Sure enough, I started getting sober again. I’m sober since that day, when I started being honest and actually followed his advice.

And so I learned that my sponsor never kept me sober.
When I connect to my Higher Power, fellows, and take sober action, that’s when the magic starts.

4. Sex is optional. Really.

I used to think about sex constantly. I used to act out anywhere between 3 to 5 times per day. I had to act out at every opportunity.

In SA, I’ve seen the impossible happen. I’ve seen totally crazed lust addicts become lust free for years. I’ve seen scared, ashamed, nervous wrecks turn into calm, happy, sober people. I’ve seen chronic relationship chasers staying out of relationships, incredibly enough! I’ve seen people who used to abuse their wives go abstinent – voluntarily! – for long periods of time. And I finally got to see myself go from acting out multiple times a day to being completely celibate. For 2½ years now, by God’s grace. If that’s not a miracle I don’t know what is.

As a single sexaholic, the sobriety definition is simple: “For the unmarried sexaholic, sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind” (SA 192)

My brain used to say that was impossible to do, and even if it was, it would be a pitiful, deprived way to live. I’d felt that I’d explode without lust. Life wouldn’t be worth living.

Turns out that is totally , 100%, absolutely, entirely false. Today I’m totally celibate. And I feel totally normal as well. Who knew that was possible? I never would have believed it.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m still tempted to lust every single day. And sometimes I do take lust-based actions that I need to share with my sponsor and others (see the section above on honesty!). I need work my program on it – progressive victory. But being lust free is totally possible.

Maybe at some point I’ll marry, and will have to navigate a relationship that includes the somewhat worrisome idea of lust-free sex. But if and when that time comes, I’ll have the best advice in the world from my married SA friends.

But in the meantime I’m a single, celibate sexaholic.
And I truly feel fine.

5. I’M going to make a bunch of great friends and then lose a Lot of them

The friendships I’ve developed in SA are the most powerful and deep I’ve ever had. Without question. Sharing the same problem, sharing our deepest darkest secrets and struggles together has built these unshakably deep bonds. My inner circle of SA friends is of unbelievable closeness and depth. I never had anything like that before! It’s totally wonderful.

Unfortunately there’s a flip side to that coin.

A large percentage of people who join SA end up leaving. Some never get sober – they sort of drift in and out of the rooms. Some try so hard and end up relapsing every few months. And many people give up and leave, only to return some time later (I did that for a while). Some never make it back.

Some of my best sober friends ended up moving away. And while WhatsApp audio calls have made the world smaller, having friends on the other side of the world just isn’t the same thing.

Having such close relationships and then losing them is really painful. My contacts list on my phone often seem like a graveyard, with tons of names who are no longer in program and have moved on. It’s tragic to see, and there’s not much I can do about it. Sometimes I pray for them. But there’s not much else I can do. My codependence wants to chase them down and save them, but that’s not what my Higher Power wants. It’s doesn’t work – I can’t save anyone.

I think it’s still worth it. Our primary purpose is to carry our message to whoever needs it, not to collect large amounts of close friends (although that’s a nice byproduct)! But the friendships I’ve made in program are priceless – and it can be painful when they go. That’s just reality.

Everyone has their journey. If they want to come back – I’m here, and will be totally overjoyed to see them again. They know where to find us. I pray that God lead every person to find the help they need – wherever that may be.

6. Step 4 isn’t as hard as they say

Pretty much everyone I’ve met has dreaded the 4th Step. I’ve relapsed multiple times while pushing off completing it. At a recent SA workshop someone remarked to me “is there anyone who hasn’t procrastinated on their 4th Step?”

The Steps are not complicated. They were put together by bunch of broke drunks in the 1930’s Midwest. Did they spend months or years wandering around doing everything except the Steps? I doubt it.

AA’s Joe & Charlie tell over that they met some AA guy who would give people he worked with a massive Step 4 inventory that had an seemingly endless list of questions. Joe and Charlie asked him: “How many people have you killed with your Step 4?” Because people have literally died of untreated addiction without these Steps. And if you make it too complicated you’re potentially killing people. (There are all sorts of fancier inventories you can do later. But you gotta start simple)

The last time I did Step 4 (and I’ve done it at least 4 different ways), it took 3 weeks to do. But the actual writing only took about 3 hours. I could have done it all in a single day! But I procrastinated on it, and stretched it out. Delaying the Steps is is a recipe for disaster: “Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal” (12&12 p. 69)

Many of us have trouble focusing, sitting down, and writing. But there are many ways to work around that – writing with others on the phone, bookending, coming early before meetings and writing then, getting a writing buddy to work with, etc. I recently heard from a sponsor who only gives his sponsees one day to do all of Step 4. It also helps me to note that it’s not a punishment – I’m trying to learn valuable information about myself. This isn’t a punishment – it’s a treasure trove!

I now do a regular Step 10 “spot check” inventory at least once a week. These are essentially mini Step 4s to do any time I’m disturbed – resentful, upset, jealous, etc. I do these all the time, and they only take a few minutes, instead of a few months.

It’s a lot easier than you think!

7. I’m never cured

Sober is not well. Even though I’m sober for a little while, I’m still tempted to lust all the time. I’m not cured! Every single day the old thoughts and ideas crop up at some point. I’m still just another lustaholic dude who needs to work his program if I’d like another sober day.

I still need to work my program daily if I want to stay sober and recovered. As the saying goes, the 12 Steps are insulin, not surgery. As long as I take my meds, I’ll be sober for as long as I live. If I stop – watch out! And I’ve relapsed many times because I stopped working my program.

The AA book Dr. Bob and the Good Oldtimers (end of chapter 20) tells the story of an unfortunate guy named Jud. He picked up a drink one week before his 30th AA anniversary. I’m never cured, and neither was he! Even after almost 30 years.

I can never afford to forget my 1st Step – I’m a powerless sexaholic. No matter how many “sober days” have passed. And so I must continue to work my program, day after day. That’s why I’m still here, 4 years since my first meeting. Trying to work the program and carry the message. Otherwise my disease will wake up and absolutely clobber me.

While this sounds discouraging, it gives me great hope. My future is in my hands – recovery is not a random process I have no control over! With the help of my Higher Power, fellows, and continual sober action, I can be sober for as long as I’d like – one day at a time.

8. It’s the most fun in the world

When I sat there waiting for my first meeting to begin, I was nervous and scared. I didn’t know what to expect. And I certainly wasn’t expecting this to lead to the most genuine fun I had ever had in my entire life. Who expects that? In an addiction recovery program, of all places?

It seems counterintuitive, but recovery is fun. Getting to really know total strangers from totally different life backgrounds at an incredibly deep level is fun. Getting to truly know myself is fun. Getting freedom of the old guilt that plagued me is fun. And getting to participate in fellowship with amazing people, going on hikes, workshops, conferences, musical get-togethers, going out to eat, and just having fun with my favorite group of people in the world is simply the best thing in my life.

I’ve done laughter yoga with them. Hikes. Retreats. Dancing. Group games. Camping. Pottery painting. I’ve shared my deepest darkest secrets with them. I’ve even gotten lost in the desert and nearly died with them (true story!). And did I mention we go out for pizza almost every week?

I was at one SA conference that ended in a musical performance. While the band played I remember having an Italian priest under one arm and an Hassidic Jew under the other. I think our keynote speaker had been a Protestant woman from the Eastern United States. And I was like – I love this program so much.

Here in Israel we recently set up a dedicated Fun Committee (aka Funkymittee ?!) for organizing these kind of events. It’s fabulous – and there’s only more good stuff coming. I highly recommend that fellowships in other locations follow suit. It really makes a difference.

I think Bill & Dr. Bob would be truly proud to know that their little meetings 80 years ago have gone on to help so many people, and spread the joy of recovery to so many.

And I’ve found that old line from the White Book to be true:

“Whatever our experience, we found it to be the greatest adventure of our lives” (WB p. 78)

It had certainly been that way for me.

Have a great and sober day!