Hey everyone! I’m David and I’m a sexaholic.
I used to act out almost every day. When I joined SA in Jerusalem, I was surprised that I could even stay a few days sober by using the program tools. I remember the first time I got 5 days, I was like – wow! And then I would get more sober time – a week, sometimes two. But I kept on relapsing. Over the next two years, the most sobriety I ever got was about 3 weeks. I desperately wanted to stay sober, but kept relapsing, time and again.
My sponsor said I’m disconnected from my feelings, and on his advice I started going to therapy. My therapist was great (I still go to him) and I made much progress, connecting to my feelings. But I continued to act out. Before long I started contemplated suicide. I remember fantasizing about somehow stealing a soldier’s gun and shooting myself. I was at that “jumping off point” many times.
One desperate day in April 2020, I reached out to Nicholas S (an SA oldtimer from the UK). I asked him what to do. He said “I’ll tell you, but you have to agree to do what I say.” I said OK, hoping he wouldn’t tell me to work on my eating (he’s known for offering such advice to chronic relapsers). And guess what – that’s exactly what he told me to do.
He said that in his experience, many of us SA’s have serious problems with compulsive eating, and cannot get sober until our eating is under control. Forget about SA for now, he said. Join a 12-Step food program instead! Even if you relapse in SA, stay in the food program. I was very, very desperate, and so I said OK.
The particular program he recommended was pretty extreme. Their program only allowed eating proteins, vegetables, and certain fruit. All amounts at every meal had to be weighed and measured, for at least 90 days. I knew another SA member who had joined that food program, and then got SA sobriety. I gave him a call. I joined this new program, and he became my food sponsor. And I began to practice what they called “food abstinence”.
Right from the beginning, I could see the differences. It worked! Not only was my eating better – so was my lust. When I went to sleep at night, the old temptation to fantasize was nowhere to be found. I was barely tempted to lust after people on the street. My urge to watch porn disappeared, as well as the compulsion to go to prostitutes. I stopped handing over my savings to my father, as I was no longer afraid that I would spend it all on prostitutes. I began to feel comfortable speaking to women again. I began to treat them as people.
Another interesting thing happened. Somehow, without lust and abusing my eating, I began to really enjoy praying. The religious prayers of my religion. Many times I would get emotional, and cry, which was the most awesome experience. The first time it happened I thought God had cured me of sexaholism and I would never act out again (this turned out to be untrue) After finishing praying, and having this feeling of closeness to God after crying, I would feel this love and compassion rise up in me for others. And during the experience, all of a sudden I was able to feel and empathize with the pain of the other human beings, which made me cry more. I got so used to being able to cry during religious prayers, that when it would not happen, I would be disappointed. The whole High Holiday season of my faith tradition was amazing. All the prayers, and the pleading to God would get me to that place very quickly.
To my surprise, not only did the food program keep me sexually sober (which was amazing on its own), but it also brought me very close to God.
Now, I must admit that while I was free of sexual lust, I instead developed a new “lust” for food. Whenever I would feel uncomfortable or irritable my first thought was to binge on food. While my feeling of closeness to God was amazing, I would still feel uncomfortable at times. I would pass by candy stores and fantasize about how much fun it would be to go in there and buy candy, cookies, and everything. This new temptation started to plague me.
After 8 months of food abstinence, after a difficult weekend with my family, something in me snapped. I set out to make my food dreams come true. I made this crazy dessert (nuts, popcorn and peanut butter), and ate the whole thing. I had broken my food abstinence. I suddenly felt that I was in a very “unholy” place within myself. And for the next 2 months, I was not interested in sexual lust at all, I was so busy binging on food.
My faith tradition includes days of fasting, several times a year, but this time I found that I just couldn’t do it. I had to eat. On the next religious fast day, I was overwhelmed by this strong compulsion to go to the store, and buy cookies and all types of food. Then I sat in a public park and I ate it all, despite my religious convictions. It was crazy.
Little by little, my addictions balanced out, and my sexual lust returned. I thought going back to the food program was the only solution, and I tried to get back on it, again and again. It would never stick, and I would keep returning to my regular eating habits. But somehow, over time, the need to binge wore off and my eating stabilized.
Thank God, today, I only do SA and therapy, which helps me a lot, and I am staying sexually sober, one day at a time. And most of the time, I do eat healthy. I’m just not quite as extreme about it as I used to be.
I don’t think that my food program was the most balanced way for me to eat, long term. But that’s only my experience – it may work for others.
All I know is at the time, it saved my life, and I am really grateful that I tried it.
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