Letting Go of Managing my Life

Over a year ago, I got sober after chronically relapsing for some time.

I was finally willing to let go of trying to manage my own life.

My brain is obviously not a good manager (this wasn’t so obvious at first). The proof was clear – I was always going back to lust, even though I didn’t want to. I had to relapse for a few years until I gradually came to accept the First Step, “…that our lives had become unmanageable”.

What does “admitting that my life is unmanageable” mean for me?

For me, it means being willing to let go of expectations and control of my life. It means being open to whatever my Higher Power has in store for me.

Now, just because I’m working the program, doesn’t mean that things will always go well. Maybe my Higher Power’s plan for me is that the sh*t will hit the fan! But that’s OK, because I’m “no longer running the show”. Today I choose to believe that my Higher Power truly knows what’s best for me (Step 2, I guess?).

Letting go of managing my life also means letting go of trying to guarantee my sobriety. If I’m really powerless over this lust stuff, then that’s another area of my life I can’t manage. This takes a big weight off my shoulders, because trying to manage my sobriety is exhausting, stressful and not fun. Been there, done that! (I still tend to go back to that thinking ?).

It also means letting go of trying to control my emotions – what I feel or don’t feel. This is another thing I cannot manage or control. Instead I try to experience whatever’s going on inside me at that moment – whether good or ugly.

What happens when I give up management? Sometimes things go well, sometimes things get worse, and sometimes nothing happens. The outcome is irrelevant to my sobriety. But what it does give me is a feeling of solidity and okayness; a feeling that I’m supposed to be where I am at this moment. That is much more helpful to my sobriety and well being than acing a work project, getting that girl to like me, or having a ‘successful’ day.

I’m writing this article for myself. In early sobriety, it was actually much easier to let go of management, because my “life scorecard” wasn’t looking too great. But now with some sober time, a few things in my life are coming together and I find myself yet again striving for more and more control and security in my life. Today it’s a real challenge – there are so many things I’m trying to guarantee and keep in place. And I often forget that old fact – that I’m not a good manager. I forget that control does not bring real relief. Sometimes things need to start going downhill again, before I’ll even remember that my life is unmanageable.

What helps me today is taking practical actions of letting go. It’s important for me to have other people in my life who I can turn to for help and advice – a sponsor, therapist, other program members and sometimes people outside of recovery. The main idea is that I’m not relying on my own thinking. Letting go of my own ideas and following what others say bring me back to that place of letting go. What’s also super helpful for me is taking that one action I don’t want to take, or sharing that one thing I really don’t want to share.

I can’t always think my way into letting go (also been there done that, but sometimes I still try ?). Probably 99% of my thinking is me trying to manage stuff in one way or another!!! But taking these actions helps me internally let go, and finally experience that relief that I’ve always been looking for.