I consider myself a smart guy. I never had trouble in school and had straight A’s for the most part. I was genuinely confused when my constant attempts to stop acting out failed, time after time. To quote Bill’s story in the Big Book of AA:
“Where had been my high resolve? I simply didn’t know. It hadn’t even come to mind. Someone had pushed a drink my way, and I had taken it. Was I crazy? I began to wonder, for such an appalling lack of perspective seemed near being just that.”
BIG BOOK P. 5
After some time, I finally suffered enough to look for help, and I found myself in an SA meeting. I thought: “Finally! Now I’ll have the answers I’ve always been missing. Now I know I have a disease! I’m not bad getting good, I’m sick getting well! It makes so much sense!”
I stayed sober for a few months riding that “pink cloud.” But then I acted out. Then I acted out again. A few more times later,it was as if I had never gotten sober at all.
Again, I was genuinely confused. I thought I had found the answer. Why wasn’t it working anymore?
Fast forward ~2 years of spotty sobriety, and I hit bottom. Again.
This time, the sponsor I had (whom I barely spoke to, and certainly wasn’t progressing in the steps with) suggested that I get a new sponsor who wouldn’t be as nice to me.
He gave me a number and I called.
When the new sponsor heard my story, he said, “It sounds like your addict has heard everything the program has to offer. Perhaps instead of thinking yourself into better action, you should try acting yourself into better thinking.”
That was a kind of “last straw” moment for me. I really experienced those lines we read at the start of every meeting:
“Until we had been driven to the point of despair, until we really wanted to stop but could not, we did not give ourselves to this program of recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlightened self-interest must tell them this.”
SA WHITE BOOK P. 3
I finally stopped trying to stop and I gave up. I admitted defeat. I surrendered my will, my ideas of how to get and stay sober, my desire to have all the benefits without doing any work, and I did what my sponsor told me to do. He phrased his words as suggestions, but I did them as orders. I needed to simply obey. My mind is poisoned when it comes to lust, so I can’t trust it. I need to follow outside directions.
Have I worked a 100% rigorous program since then? Certainly not. But I have been working it. I do the actions, even when I don’t understand them – especially when I don’t understand them.
When I got up to my Step 4 inventory, I was completely baffled. (My sponsor’s Step 4 format had this 3rd column titled “affects my…”. I had to find which part of self was affected, and I had only 7 options to choose from, almong which were “healthy sex” and “unhealthy sex”). I asked my sponsor, “what the hell does that mean?” He simply replied, “Don’t try to do it perfectly. Just do it. Enjoy the experience of doing something you don’t understand.”
And I did.
And I’m staying sexually sober one day at a time since. I’m grateful that I have a winning recipe for sobriety and happiness, just for today, one day at a time.
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