A Whole New Way of Life

In my acting out years, lust was everywhere. It infiltrated every aspect of my life. My thoughts, my actions, sleep schedule, where I went to school, where I worked, what I watched or read, and so on – it influenced them all. It affected and “flavored” everything.

Over time, it seems like recovery is slowly having a similar effect. It gradually seems to be seeping into the rest of my life. To be effective, my program can’t be limited to the time I spend in the rooms. It’s much more than just “not acting out”; the attitudes of recovery must be “kneaded into” my day-to-day activities. And over time, it is slowly but steadily changing the course of my life.

There is something about the actions and attitudes of the program that is life-transforming. And I’m not even talking about formal Step work! I can’t constantly share my secrets (Step 5), apologize when wrong (Step 9), try to do my Higher Power’s will (Step 3), talk and write to God (Step 11), be of service (Step 12), or focus on “maximum usefulness” without being fundamentally changed as a person. I can only make so many amends to people I’ve insulted before I start thinking twice before talking.

As time passes, these effects are adding up. While far from perfect, I’m certainly less selfish, less prone to lashing out, and maybe a little more sensitive to the needs and feelings of those around me. A little more responsible, a little more honest, perhaps slightly more likely to regard passerby as fellow humans instead of objects. Over time these tiny changes are slowly adding up to something quite substantial. Am I perfect? No way. Am I better? Hell yeah.

Do I get angry? Scared? Lustful? Frustrated? Distracted? All the time, but I have new ways of dealing with them. Being forced to constantly take action has gradually changed how I react in these situations. When our literature defines “spiritual experience” as a “personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism” (AA. Appendix II), maybe this is what they were talking about!

The funny thing is that this change, this “progress” seems to even persist in some form even across relapses. A relapse is a grave warning that something is seriously wrong with my recovery, but I don’t believe I’m literally thrown back to “square one”.

I saw this the last time I “got back on track”. When I got desperate enough to take the program seriously again, I found myself in a totally different place than when I first stepped in the rooms a few years earlier. Despite being sober for only a few days, I knew what needed to be done, and there was a sort of grim determination to follow my sponsor’s orders. The time in the program had changed me, even though I hadn’t been sober the entire time! While I don’t recommend relapsing (more pain! Hooray!), I doesn’t mean I need to give up. I just need to take action to get back on track. From what I’ve seen, the change brought about by the program is surely greater and far beyond a simple sobriety count.

These days I’m often unsure if I’m bringing recovery into my life, or my life into recovery. It’s sometimes difficult to determine which is which. My life is one big messy blob – family, work, program, religion, relationships, meditations, studies, teachers, hobbies, books, actions – all rolled into one. I often have a hard time talking about “just” the program – my life is complicated; it’s hard to unravel it and discuss a single feature. Where does my “normal life” end and my program begin? It’s hard to say.

But one thing’s for sure – recovery has slowly brought about a massive change in me – both internal (how I feel) and external (what I do). Over the last few months a new feeling of internal peace has started appearing, even when I’m surrounded by chaos. And believe me – there’s been a lot of chaos! The feeling is new. It’s not always with me, but when it’s here it’s wonderful.

I’m still afraid of change. I don’t want to change. I’m scared to think of what effect continuing to work the program might have. Who knows what I’ll turn into? But then again, so many things I feared turned out to be exactly what I needed. I don’t always know what I need (do I ever?). But my Higher Power is slowly guiding me – through this program – to something new – something profound – something special – the perfect future for me, and for everyone else.

In short: To stay sober, I must work this program. And working this program over time is slowly changing me. Whether it’s at work, with the family, or even on a bus that’s stuck in traffic, the program’s actions and attitudes can slowly guide all of us to an unseen, better future.