Drip Disclosure – or, How Not to Disclose - Sexaholics Anonymous Israel

Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated… Great caution is advised here.
– Sexaholics Anonymous, p. 3

Note: I can only speak from my own experience. I recommend checking with your sponsor before attempting any sort of disclosure.

In SA, to “disclose” means to tell anyone outside the program about my addiction and acting-out behaviors. My wife didn’t know about many things I had done before we met. I had continued to act out even after our marriage. And when I joined the program, It wasn’t long before I felt I needed to get honest with her.

However, I did it in the worst way possible.

I did it in a non-truthful, non-sober, non-recovered way.

First I just blurted out to my wife that I’m a sex addict. I then lied to her about the different things I did or didn’t do. Then in my fear, I hurriedly tried to tell her things to make her feel good – I never acted out that way. Other people do that, but not me! Am I not a wonderful person?

That was hard enough on her.

But a few months later, a few more things from my past came up.

And after some time, even more things.

My wife quickly learned she could never trust that I had told her the whole truth.

There always might be more.

I once heard someone use the term “drip disclosure”. Like a drip coffee machine – it comes out slowly over time.

It was a long while before I finally told her all of my story.

Looking back, I wasn’t truthful because I didn’t know how to. Fear was controlling me.

When I tried being honest with my wife, that inner terror would flare up. Within a split second I would start frantically rationalizing. “This is none of her business – this has nothing to do with her – if she knows I’ll die!”. I just couldn’t say the words.

I was totally controlled by fear. I didn’t know how to be more truthful. That was a great excuse the first and second times, but it kept happening. I just couldn’t do it.

Over time in program, I learned to be more truthful. I learned to identify those fears as they popped into my head. I learned how to “stop, drop, and roll” and be connected to reality and give those fears to God.

If a sponsee asked me how to disclose now, I think the proper way to do it is:

Sit down with your sponsor, and review your entire history
Discuss what details your spouse needs to know
Possibly – what details they don’t need to know

It’s very hard to find this balance on my own. That’s why working with a sponsor or program member who has done a disclosure is critical.

Not all spouses need to know absolutely everything. Very often they only need to know the general outline, but not specific gory details. Some people only want to know that you didn’t hurt children, and that’s it. Other spouses need to know more.

In my case, my wife wanted to know certain extremely specific details, and so I told her. She needed to know those details to feel safe. However, she then needed to deal with the consequences of knowing about them.

That’s part of the deal.

Someone once told me a beautiful metaphor for this.

Imagine you’re hit by a drunk driver, who breaks both your legs. When you wake up, you’re told that if you ever want to walk again, you’ll need intense physical therapy. You rightfully retort: “I’m not doing any therapy! This wasn’t my fault – it’s the drunk driver’s fault! He should do physical therapy!” While that may be a valid complaint, it won’t make your legs better.

In couples therapy (BTW, I love therapy and recommend it. I’m a huge fan!), I remember telling my wife this example. “While my sexaholism is my problem, you still need to deal with it!”

My wife replied: “While they’re my legs, and I need to do the therapy, I want you to drive me there. I want you to pay for it. I want you to hold my hand as I’m going through it. I want you to experience it with me. I want you to be there. And while it’s my therapy, don’t forget that you’re the one who ran me over.” Ouch.

And she’s right – while it’s my sexaholism that’s causing her pain, I have a responsibility to be there for her while she goes through the healing process.

Lying isn’t fair to me or my wife. I don’t deserve to live in fear of being found out anymore. And she has the right to know her husband’s full life story.

Therefore I think a proper and complete disclosure should be done with an experienced therapist, or someone who is a safe person between the two spouses. Get it all out – all of it. Don’t leave anything behind! Even things that I technically did before we married – get it all out. That’s what I needed to do to finally get free, and have a open and honest relationship at last.

What it’s like now

My marriage is still on the mend. It’ll be on the mend forever.

After the last disclosure (someone else disclosed it to my wife, actually), there was a huge relief. “Whew, finally I’m done with that!” Just like that example with physical therapy for broken legs – the healing process is both of ours. It’s both mine and my wife’s. The healing belongs to both of us.

I need to keep remembering a few things:

I need to remember that I caused my wife a lot of pain.
I need to remember that my wife is still in pain. She may be in pain forever.
I need to remember that I have a part in it,
But I also need to remember that many good things came out of it.

Our relationship became a lot stronger – a lot tighter – much closer, as a result of the healing that came after disclosure.

I have no more “what if she finds out” fears. It’s all out there – I shared it all – there’s nothing left. What a relief!

This has allowed us to become a lot closer. And grow more together!

Rebuilding trust takes time. The level of trust in our marriage comes and goes. We’re slowly rebuilding. While I have my own work to do, and my wife has her own, we’re in this together. And I need to be there for her the entire way.

And God-willing, over time, things will get even better!

What we have now is really amazing. Something special.

Just for today!