Facing Death – with my Higher Power - Sexaholics Anonymous Israel

Death. The philosopher Kierkegaard states that we all have an innate fear of death. It’s the ghost that haunts us in our dreams. In the 4th Step, some of us find that death is indeed our deepest fear.

Last week I was faced with death. I received a fateful phone call – my grandmother had suffered a heart attack, and was unresponsive. The end was imminent. I knew what my next right action was – to jump on a plane, and be by her side in her last moments.

Three years ago my grandfather was dying. When I saw his frail body, I shut the door and never looked back. That was when I used to act out, a time when my life was all about me and no one else. I had such a deep connection with my grandfather, but when he was of no use to me anymore, I abandoned him.

What changed?

Everything.

Slowly through meetings I have learned about a Higher Power who loved me. I learned how to love myself. I learned what it means to love, expecting nothing in return. This time I sang at my grandmother’s death bed, did confession with her, stood by her, and held her hand. I held her head as she took her final breaths. I wasn’t afraid of death. I just felt faith in life. Faith in God. I felt faith in being good, just for the sake of being good.

I originally joined this program to stop acting out, but that’s very far from why I’m still here today. Now I’m here to be a real human being. Program gives me my humanity, one day at a time. Every day when I accept God’s will, I am given the strength to deal with “the challenges that used to baffle me”. But for the grace of God, could I be by my grandmother’s bedside while she died. I don’t feel traumatized or angry – I feel peace and acceptance.

I apologized to my grandfather – I’ve learned from my past mistakes.

May my grandmother’s memory be blessed.