Free from Obsession – Not Temptation - Sexaholics Anonymous Israel

My road to recovery has been a rocky one – full of peaks, valleys, and obstacles along the way. After five years and three months of sexual sobriety, one thing is clear: While I’m free from the obsession with sex and self, the temptations are still there.

I first heard this idea from Bill S. (from Nashville) at the first SA International Conference in Israel. (He was sober 25 years at the time – I had a few months). I was under the illusion that if I overcame my obsession with lust, the temptations would disappear as well. But this is not true. When an alcoholic stops drinking, he must still identify himself as one. I can also be free from the obsession of lust – but I must continue to admit that I still am a sexaholic, and always will be. This truth is hard to swallow.

Of all addictions, sexaholism probably carries the most guilt and shame. Like the brothels and strip clubs, hidden on the seedy side of town, my lust addiction also hides in the dark corners of my mind. It is my secret little comfort-place that I retreat to when life gets too stressful. And that temptation remains, even as I trudge the road of happy destiny.

In the past I’ve been a victim of obsessive thinking. It could be about a woman who I thought was lusting after me, or someone else’s wife who I was lusting after. I would fantasize for days about this person, and could think of little else. I would also visit particular porn sites again and again. In sobriety, this sort of obsessive thinking still affects me. If I think I’ve been wronged by someone, I’m tempted to play the scene of what they said or did over and over in my mind. I can then obsess about how I might get back at them.

I have had good days, when I am lust free, and my addiction seems to have disappeared for good. But I know I must be vigilant, because it can reemerge out of nowhere. The sudden thought, “Wouldn’t it be nice to watch a porn video right now?” or “Boy, that girl looks hot. I wonder if I could seduce her.” When I am living life on life’s terms, and I feel fear, anger, or grief, my addict voice still whispers to me that if I act out, I will feel so much better.

What do I do when faced with these temptations? I use the tools of the program: make a phone call, go for a walk, surrender my lust to my Higher Power, do an act of service for someone else, or get on my knees and pray. I no longer go to the “dark recesses of my being” for comfort in times of stress, even though the temptation to do so is still there.

The truth of the program is that we don’t get cured of the disease of sexaholism. We instead get a “daily reprieve” (AA p. 85). While I wish it was otherwise, I’m grateful that during a sober day I am free to experience the joy of living in the here and now. And that includes all of my emotions – grief, fear, and anger, as well as great happiness. No longer do I have to numb my feelings with lust. This is the gift of the 12-step program – another sober day, free from the obsession with lust – despite the occasional temptation.