Freedom from Fantasy

Hey everybody!

I’m Michoel, a powerless sexaholic and chronic fantasizer. Here are a few thoughts about “mental sobriety” – staying lust-free in the mind. Being free of mental lust is one of the most important parts of my recovery – I simply cannot stay sober without it. I hope you find it to be useful.

In this article I’ll try to break down a bunch of practical tips and tricks I’ve picked up over the years for keeping a sober, lust-free mind. I’ve never done it perfectly, but these tools work very well, when I work them.

This article got to be a little long ?, but it is a tricky subject. Feel free to break it down into sections and take them, well, one at a time.

As always, if something here conflicts with your sponsor’s advice, listen to your sponsor.

Enjoy!

What is mental lust?

“Mental lust” for me is any thought that gives me a sexual or romantic “high” – thinking about lustful situations, stories, images, videos, or “euphoric recall” – thinking about my past experiences; recapturing the thrill of old times. I also include romantic fantasies, as they give me a “high”, and tend to turn into actual lust-thoughts very quickly. While I can go on a date in the “real world”, I cannot safely indulge such fantasies without endangering my sobriety (see footnote #1)

I need to take lustful thoughts extremely seriously. I’ve found I cannot stay sober for very long if I’m purposefully allowing them in.

Here’s the key: lust is in my mind.

I like telling newcomers that I could be a “brain in a jar” – just a brain without a body – and still lust! I have terabytes of lust – pictures, movies, stories, etc. stored in my poor little brain. I’m an alcoholic imprisoned in a bar – how can I ever get sober?

Here’s what I do:

Before lust strikes

Be in a good place
While this is pretty obvious, it bears repeating. If I’ve been working my daily program, I’ll be in a much safer place when fantasy knocks. I’ll be much more likely to apply the tools of the program when lust arises. To improve the quality of my recovery, I can talk to my HP, follow my sponsor’s directions, keep myself clean of resentment & fear with my Steps, call program members, attend meetings, sharing all my secrets, be of service – you get the idea! If I’ve been neglecting my program, I’m naturally going to be more vulnerable to lust.

Prepare for vulnerable times and places
If there are times when I’m more vulnerable to fantasy, I can fortify my program in advance. Suppose I normally fantasize before going to sleep, while showering, or during boring speeches. Before these situations it’s helpful to pray on my knees, asking my Higher Power to be with me, protect me, and give me useful things to do or think about instead. I can also “bookend” with other program members – call someone up, share about the situation, and set a time to call them back once the danger has passed.

Avoid new material
Many types of media – books, movies, etc can contain scenarios or people that my lust can “latch on to” and create new fantasies and obsessions. If my lust is not being fed with new ideas, my life will be a lot easier.

When Lust Strikes

There are a number of tools I can deploy when lust appears in my mind. I organize them into several levels.

Level 1. Recovery Thoughts & Prayers

1. Take the “3rd option”

I used to think there were only two options – fight the thought, or give in. I’m trapped – I can’t fight the thought – it’s much stronger than I am. But if I give in to the thought, I’ll act out- if not today, then very soon. What’s the alternative?

There is a third option – surrender! Here’s what it looks like for me:

The thought comes up. I pause. Turn to my Higher Power. Admit I’m utterly powerless over this thought / fantasy / image / person. I admit I cannot resist at all on my own power. But God can lift it right out of me – and I pray that he do so. It’s very fast – the prayer is roughly “God, I’m totally powerless over this, but you can restore me to sanity. Please do.”

I then pause, breathe, and visualize the image being physically removed from my mind. (I picture it as a blurred image trapped inside a TV set or a large picture frame, which God then lifts right out of my mind)

This can take a few moments. I may have to do it once or twice. Very often this alone is enough to remove it.

In my prayer I can also tell my HP how much I want and need this lust – the power it has over me, how I feel like it is precious and will solve all my problems. My HP understands and will help remove it from my mind.

2. If I feel shame for having such thoughts, I remind myself that I’m sick not bad, and that my lust isn’t me. I don’t get to choose what lustful, bizarre, or creepy thoughts my brain generates. It’s just my poor sick brain, doing what it used to do. It’s not me. I call it the creepy uncle who lives in my head. It gives me great comfort to realize that my lust isn’t me, but rather a different force that shares my head. I treat my mind with compassion, and sometimes whisper “thanks for sharing, brain”.

3. If I feel worthless, I focus on the fact that my HP loves me and wants me to be here. When my mind insists “no, you’re worthless” I try taking a deep breath. Do I have the power to exist on my own? No. If my body decided to suddenly stop working, could I keep myself alive? Of course not. Then I take a deep breath – and it works. God clearly wants me here. I could not live otherwise. Someone clearly believes in me. I visualize my lungs filling with God’s love. When I feel that my HP is with me and cares about me, my need for external validation lessens.

4. I can also meditate on my favorite tool from the 18 Wheeler (#17) and imagine a large protective bubble of God’s protection wrapping all around me like a force field. I’m inside the bubble, and lust can’t get in. I’m safe. I pray to God for His protection, as I can’t fight lust on my own at all. If I let my guard down and let lust in, I work some of the previous tools to expel it, and then return to this “bubble meditation”. This is super effective against lust on the street as well.

5. I can also use our prayers: I’m powerless, please help me is an easy one. I might customize it with the details: God, I’m powerless over thinking about ______, please help me is also good. Or simply Please be with me, God. The Serenity Prayer and other program prayers are also helpful. I personally avoid prayers from my faith tradition, as I have a lot of emotional baggage associated with them.

6. If the thought is about a particular person, I can use the technique from the 18 Wheeler – to pray for the wellbeing of that person. I have to be careful with this one, as it can easily lead to thinking more about them. If the object of my lust is fictional, I pray for the author or artist who created them instead.

If the lust persists, I can always proceed to Level 2:

Level 2: Actions

If the thought persists, I need to take action in the physical world to “get out of my head”.

My first line of defense is to get on my knees. If I’m in bed, I’ll get onto the floor, on my knees, and pray to God in detail about the thought. I’ve heard members describe how they drop a coin, or bend down to tie their shoelace so they can briefly pray on their knees when in public.

Sometimes I just need to “get up and go” – from wherever I am. Get out of bed, get off the couch, get away from my desk, or just go to a different room. I’m not sure why this helps but it often does.

I’ve heard other members report good results with gestures in the real world – carrying around a rubber band and snapping it against their wrist, or brushing their shoulders off as if to “rid themselves” of it. I personally get by without this, but I’ve heard of this working for others.

Finally, if that still doesn’t work I pick up the phone and start calling program people. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if they pick up – I’m doing my part by reaching out. And after 8-10 calls I’ll eventually get through to somebody (plus I’ll get tons of calls the next day when everyone calls me back!) Very often the person I get through to is also going through a rough time, so the call is beneficial to both of us. After sharing with one or two members I’m restored to serenity again. It’s helpful to collect phone numbers of members in other time zones so I have people to call in the middle of the night.

Very often the lust outburst is being driven by something deeper that needs to be taken care of. Maybe I’m overwhelmed by a bunch of fears I haven’t dealt with (= do a fear & gratitude list), or I’ve neglected HALT again – I’m hungry (have a snack), angry (= do a Step 10), lonely (make a call), or tired (take a break or a nap). If I’m scared of something I’ve been pushing off – pray for courage, and then do it. It’s amazing how much better I feel after doing something that I was really nervous about (like writing this, heh).

These are some of the things that help when lust rears up in my mind.

Afterwards

When the temptation has passed there are several other helpful things I can do.

Share it

If a thought is controlling me, or I feel ashamed of it, it’s helpful to share it with another program member in explicit detail. Sharing it can cure my feelings of shame. It’s so scary to share my deepest, darkest, most embarrassing fantasy with someone else. When the other person is accepting, doesn’t run away screaming, and often shares that they’ve dealt with something similar, my shame simply melts away, and we can laugh and face the world freely again. I’ve been set free from thoughts that enslaved me for years this way.

A note about explicit shares:

Ask for permission first. This gives the other person the option to decline if they’re not in a good enough place to hear it right now. It also gives them time to take their phone away from their ear if they don’t want to hear exactly what’s being said (I do this all the time!).
Share in “the spirit of surrender”. That means – Give it away instead of showing off. I’m sharing this secret to open up, be vulnerable, and send it away, because I don’t want it. But if I’m boasting about my acting out – that’s unlikely to be helpful to either of our programs.

2. Fortify my program

Again, it bears repeating: If my program is in a good place; if I’m in fit spiritual condition, I won’t need to worry about lust nearly as much. Working my daily program and living the Steps will do more to buy me freedom from lust than anything else.

3. Learn about myself

Over time I can learn which situations need advance preparation. If a situation keeps bringing up mental lust (bedtime, travel, waiting rooms, etc.) I can learn to be ready for it by fortifying my program beforehand. Example: praying on my knees, writing a fear & gratitude list, and making some phone calls before a difficult exam or job interview.

4. Work on underlying issues

Recurring thoughts can point to deeper issues that need work. For example, persistent thoughts about a past situation may indicate that some Step work is needed – maybe I need to inventory it, or make an amends.

For example, my obsessive thoughts about dating pushed me to doing some really in-depth work with both my sponsor and my therapist. If not for those persistent thoughts, I never would have got to work on them.

Dealing with the deeper problem can relieve the persistent thoughts.

5. It gets really sneaky

Lust is “cunning, baffling, powerful, and very very patient”. If I’m working an effective program, the lustful part of my brain is simply starving for whatever it can get a hold of. Don’t feed the beast! It can get really sneaky at trying to get its fix. My lust always tells me (as a single addict) that “you’re allowed to get married, so of course you can think about what that would be like”. Or “That scandal was on the news, you can think about the lustful details” Lies. Whiskey in the milk. And I’ll fall for it every time, if I neglect my program and lose my HP’s help.

6. Progress, not perfection

What if I thought about it a little? Am I doomed?

Absolutely not.

If I haven’t acted out, I’m still sober. The only question worth asking is “now what”. I just need to take a bunch of sober actions to get myself into a good place so it doesn’t recur. However, I need to recognize that my sobriety is in serious danger if I don’t take quick, decisive action. In this case, I would call a bunch of people I know well and share everything. I then pray, call my sponsor (which is embarrassing but necessary), and throw myself back into the program. If I fortify my program, I’ll be in a much better shape when it strikes next.

My HP created me imperfect, and that’s OK. I’m supposed to be that way. Beating myself up was never useful to me or to anyone else. My job is to work this little program bit by bit, to slowly become who my HP would have me be.

7. Not just lust

These don’t just work for lust – they work on resentments, and other character defects too! One time my father said something that made my blood boil – I prayed to God to protect me from this resentment and did the bubble-meditation – and I was protected for a little while! Another time I used similar prayers to avoid eating an extra piece of chocolate cake ?

8. It gets easier

Finally, surrendering lust gets a lot easier as I practice it. Many members find that the practice of surrendering lust – on the street, in the mind, etc, rapidly becomes second nature. Nowadays I don’t even need to think before praying for someone on the street – it’s almost an automatic reflex. When lust thoughts arise, I can instantly pray for them, and then get on with my life.

But if I’ve been neglecting my program things stop working – fast! A few days ago I let my program slide again, and quickly found myself getting sucked back into the fantasy-whirlpool! I’ve lost my sobriety so many times through nothing but a few weeks of neglect, and then a “little lust” shows up and – knockout! So the message for me is to keep working it – when I do my part, God does His. And as long as that relationship is healthy, true serenity is part of my daily life.

These are a few of the things that work for me.

I hope you find them useful.

If there’s anything else that’s worked for you, I’d love to hear about it – feel free to share it using the contact form.

Have a great and sober day!

Footnotes

1. Wait a minute – aren’t you allowed to date in recovery? Why can’t I think about it?

Of course dating is allowed. In recovery I’m totally free to date people in the real world (once my recovery is in a stable place; see 12&12 p. 119 and ask your sponsor). I can even be in romantic situations in real life! However, I’ve lost the privilege to safely fantasize about such things in my mind, just like married members can have sex with their spouses in the real world, but cannot dwell on “how it was” afterwards. In summary – the “real world” is OK. My fake mental “fantasy-land” is not.

2. How can I tell if a thought is lust?

“To thine own self be true”. We’re all different. One person’s trigger may be hopelessly boring to someone else. However, a toxic thought usually produces some of the following feelings in me:

It makes me want to act out
It gives me a “high” or “drugged” feeling
I feel a strong pull to go back to thinking about it later
“Reality hits me like a ton of bricks” when I stop – it transported me “entirely out of this world”, and I feel a little disoriented when returning to reality.
I get physical symptoms – my heart start pounding, unexpected sweating, or physical arousal. If a thought makes my body suddenly want to have sex, chances are that it is unhelpful to my program.

Finally, a fantasy may not be sexual at all – daydreaming about winning the lottery, or doing something really heroic and becoming famous, etc. These also take me out of reality, and the next frontier in my recovery is learning to surrender these as well.

Thank you

Thanks to Gershon and Elchonon for reviewing this article.

Thanks to my many sponsors and program friends who taught me all these things over the years.

And finally, a special shout-out to Yaakov S who first explained tool #17 from the 18 Wheeler (the bubble-meditation technique) to me.

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