I’m Still a Newcomer

Hey everyone, I‘m Shlomo H and I’m a sexaholic.

I joined program a good while ago, and am very active in running our local meetings. But while I’m very involved in the fellowship, I’m still a newcomer. I definitely feel a part of, made lots of friends, and feel like I’ve arrived home, but I’m still new to the game.

Shortly after my wedding, my wife and I hosted a party in honor of a friend’s wedding. We went shopping for the food, made a guest list and rearranged the furniture in our apartment. As is our tradition, we needed to decide on a theme for the event. Although we were newly married ourselves, it felt like we had known each other forever. So we picked the theme “Our 10^th wedding anniversary”. The theme of 10 was repeated throughout the party. We dreamed about how good it would be to be married for that long.

After my first week in SA, I felt the same way. It felt so natural, like coming home. Within days it felt like I had been in program forever. I remember feeling insulted when someone called me a “newcomer” after I told him that I had been in program for a whole month!

Fast forward a couple of years of marriage and I feel just the opposite! Now it feels like I’m still new to this – I’ve only had this relationship for 6 years! There are still new things I’m discovering about my wife. Our relationship needs constant renewal, and I still need to remind her that I love her. I still feel that rush when I find a love note in my packed lunch, feel awkward navigating differences of opinions, am unsure of her taste and style, and wonder how it will feel to be married for a “long time”. And so despite being married 6 years, I still feel like a newlywed.

I feel the same way about program. I wonder how long it will last.

Hey, I’m still new to this! I’ve only been in program 5 months. My sobriety still needs constant renewal. There are still new things I’m discovering about how things work. I still need to remind myself how powerless I am and feel that rush when I surrender to God’s will for me. I’m still navigating the 12 Steps, still unsure of my own path ahead, and wonder about how it will feel to be recovered for a “long time”. For this reason, I still feel like a newcomer.

But it’s fun to be newly married. It’s refreshing to keep discovering and learning new things that make her happy. In between changing diapers and putting kids back to bed, it’s exhilarating to have supper together, to relish in surprising her with her favorite ice-cream (some things haven’t changed!) and to still realize that I have what to do to really solidify the relationship.

In the same way it’s fun and refreshing to be new in program; to keep discovering and learning new things that help me stay sober and connected to God; to feel exhilarated when coming to a meeting; to relish in giving instead of taking, and to realize that I have a lot of work cut out for me to really solidify my recovery.

But I don’t like being a newcomer. I want to be an old-timer already! I want to be one who’s really “part and parcel”, one who has all the experience, one who has a grip on it all, one who can be turned to for advice, one who can sponsor others. I still feel that way sometimes.

And Just-For-Today, it’s OK for me to be that new-boy. It’s OK for me to not know everything. It’s OK for me to still be unsure. It’s OK for me to not be the most sober in the room. It’s OK for me to not yet have finished working the steps. It’s OK for me to only be a sponsee. And It’s OK for me to be honest with myself and realize:

I’m still a newcomer.