Progressive Victory over Lust - Sexaholics Anonymous Israel

Hey, my name is Esther and I’m a grateful recovering lust addict.

A little while back a couple of fellows and I were discussing the topic of “progressive victory”. Someone mentioned how people tend to forget that it’s the second half of our sobriety definition.

While “No sex with self or others” is easy to define, (and of course, as addicts we know how to question that too), “progressive victory over lust” is fuzzier. It’s a gray area. Many people end up with their own meaning of the phrase. Without my sponsor’s guidance I’d be lost.

As a perfectionist, control freak, and addict, I need an easy black-and-white path to follow. On my own, I’m great at pushing and overstepping boundaries. No matter what I do, I can come up with every excuse in the book why my actions are OK, and how I am still “sober”.

My true recovery began when I realized that my sobriety count didn’t matter as much as my actual day-to-day actions. I was finally honest with myself, and recognized that my actions were distancing me from God, instead of bringing me spiritual connection. If I wanted real recovery, I needed to stop playing games.

So how did I do this?

I started by being truly honest with myself and my sponsor. Honesty is the only way to see where I am holding. I needed to take a good honest look at my life, and see if my actions were slowly leading me back to my old acting out behaviors.

To me, “progressive victory over lust” doesn’t mean I have never taken lustful actions in recovery, or that when I do, I work the perfect program and reach out immediately. It means that I slowly improve over time. It means being able to take a look back at my actions, and see that every time I am tempted, I do a little bit better. The urge to do the “next right thing” strengthens. It may take a couple of “downs” until I finally take that action, but with the help of my sponsor, my fellows, and ultimately God, I do.

For example, I still struggle with romance movies, lusting on the street, flirting, and so on. When I’m uncomfortable, I sometimes escape in other ways, such as games, food or shopping. Despite being sober for some time, I still feel the pull to these things very often. And to be honest, sometimes I still do them. It’s the truth.

But over time, I’ve seen progress in all these areas. I’ve finally blocked all the guys in my life. I’ve gotten better at picking up the phone when I’m struggling. (While I don’t do it every time, I’ve definitely improved) My relationships with my friends have slowly deepened, both within and without of program. And I’ve learned to prioritize in my life – some things are more important than others.

Nobody’s perfect. And just like I struggle, you probably will too. It doesn’t matter how much sobriety I have. Everyone I know in program has their personal ups and downs. The question is if the ups are slowly growing over time.

If I had to make a chart of my life, I think it would look like heartbeats walking uphill, slowly getting higher, slowly gaining ground. It’s a long trek – but every time I hit a new beautiful peak, it’s well worth it.

Good luck on your journey!