Surviving Withdrawal

Hey everybody!

Michoel here, I’m a powerless sexaholic. Here’s a brief write-up about withdrawal from sexual addiction.

A bunch of members in our local fellowship agreed to discuss this tricky topic with me. Here is some of their experience. Enjoy!

What is withdrawal?

Possibly the hardest time in my recovery is the first few weeks after acting out. The “drug” is still pulsing through my veins, and the images, fantasies, or situations are fresh on my mind. And in my head, something keeps whispering to me: You’re only three days sober. It’s not a big deal if you act out. It feels so good, right? Do it again, it won’t make a difference.

Lies.

But they feel so true.

Every sober person has made it through those first few weeks. And so can I, with the help of my Higher Power, and my friends in this program.

Whether it’s my first time getting sober or my thousandth, withdrawal is the hill I must climb before getting across to sobriety.

The important thing is to realize that these feelings are normal – very normal. My poor mind and body are used to being totally drugged out. Of course I feel strange when the main pillar of my life has been ripped out!

Here’s what withdrawal looks like for some of us:

Physical

Random and sudden physical arousal
Especially at times and locations where I used to act out.

Emotional

Burning desire to act on lust – masturbate, look at porn, contact a former acting out or romantic partner
Powerful intrusive lust thoughts and fantasies
“I’m going to die without it”
One member simply said: ”I feel a deep need for lust that defies description”

Other feelings include:

Insomnia
Irritable- snapping at people
Intense mood swings
“No home syndrome” – Feeling alone in the crowd.
Strong pull to other “drugs” – binging on food, movies, news, video games, shopping, and other forms of “running away”

Members who’ve been in the program for some time also reported:

Feeling of despair/hopelessness “I’ll never make it, I’ll never get back on the wagon again”
A feeling of “What’s the point” – especially if I was working my program hard
Feeling misunderstood by others
Intense loneliness
A social shame when other members remain sober and I’m not. I can’t take service positions. I feel left out, like there’s no hope, I’ve no chance. (“I wish everyone else would relapse so it wouldn’t just be me”)

I can feel pulled apart inside, torn between my craving for lust and my fear of the pain it will bring me. As one member shared:

"It's been several years since I felt the worst of withdrawal. For me withdrawal appears as a great internal pressure. It needs to get out somehow. It must have its release. And I did so with lust - especially in my head, and also through binging on movies and TV shows. I was ripped apart inside - should I go act out with this person or not? I would go back and forth - texting this person, saying yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. Maybe five or six times. I found myself sitting on the floor, shaking; weeping. It was damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

Another one suffers entirely from fear:

When I’m not acting out I’m filled to the brim with fear. When I wake up, I “freak out” - I can’t handle the thought of all the things I need to do, and all the things that might go wrong. I’m a real-life “scardy-cat”. Sometimes I’m shaking from so much fear I needed to lie down and breathe. I’ve nothing to quiet my nerves. So much discomfort and no drug”

Some of us report having little to no withdrawal symptoms at all. For others it can take a few days to get started.

One thing many of us relate to is “waves” – sudden lust attacks that come and go, that flare up and die down. The intensity of these typically decreases with time. Some report the intensity of lust varying by time – peaking at night, or on weekends, especially when tired and alone. The times can be particularly threatening to my newfound sobriety.

These are some of our symptoms. What can we do about them?

Making it Through Withdrawal

Of everyone interviewed for this article, two themes arose:

Putting program first by taking action immediately, as soon as the first temptation starts.
The importance of staying connected, especially on the phone and in person

Staying connected

Here’s what one member, with several years of sobriety shared:

The first two weeks after relapsing were especially tough. What worked for me was staying connected to others. Every single time, when the thought arose, I had to DROP EVERYTHING and find someone to work with. Call them up, meet them, and stay with them until the feeling passes. I found meeting up in person to be best, but phone calls helped when that wasn't possible. Of course I needed to work the Steps to "clean myself out" and get to a permanent, stable sobriety. But until I could do that, staying connected as much as possible was a great "band aid" that held me over until I could get to a more stable place. And now in sobriety, my mission is maintaining my spiritual status so I don't have to go back ever again.

Members reported positive experiences with:

Constant phone calls whenever temptation arises
Sharing shameful thoughts and fantasies in explicit detail with other members (ask for permission first!).
Calling my sponsor for advice and doing exactly what they say.
Spending time with other program members in between meetings, especially in those moments when it’s dangerous to be alone
Hanging out with friends who are not in the program, to make that human connection.
Being of service – whether within or outside of the program. This gets me out of myself, which is where the problem is.

As one member put it:

What I really want is for someone to constantly be with me, hold my hand and say “calm down, it’s going to be OK”. Nobody will hold my hand all day, but by phone I can be in touch with many more of my closest friends.

Other helpful items:

Reviewing and practicing the tools of the “18 Wheeler” (WB p. 156), especially those related to surrender.
Practicing surrender over fantasy, as described in the White Book p. 66-70 “The First Test – Surrender”
Getting rid of bottles “lust bottles” – ways I used to act out. For some members this may include getting an internet filter for problematic devices. As one member put it – “When I have open bottles I am imprisoned in them”

Literature readings – gives me a healthy perspective
Listening to speaker recordings and podcasts to get new ideas
Fear & Gratitude lists – writing my fears “cuts them down to size”, and gratitude helps me see my life in a positive way

Working on my God-connection:

Meditation – focused breathing calms me down and connects me to myself, and my Higher Power.
Thinking about my Higher Power’s unconditional love for me fills me with peace.
Talking to God – the more I trust God, the less fears I have.
Writing letters to God – building up my relationship with my Higher Power by sharing about my daily life

Overall – connecting more and opening up.

Self care

“What worked for me was finding new, healthy releases for when that crazy pressure built up inside:

Calling and hanging out with others both inside and outside the program.

Intense exercise. When I need to act out – instead I go for a run. I also took up all sorts of art projects.

I found that I didn’t have a phone problem – I had an escape problem. I adopted a new policy of keeping my phone outside my bedroom, which helped my sleep immensely.

Writing is extremely helpful – especially writing personal letters to God. Being informal helped – instead of formal writing I was more like “Hey God, what’s up? Here’s what my life is like now”

I also found crying to be a wonderful way to release pent up emotion. Program to taught me to cry. By being genuinely in touch with my feelings, I could finally get a release.”

Dangerous situations

Some places and actions can be especially challenging.

Here’s what one member shared about going to sleep:

I used to fantasize and act out every time I went to bed. Waiting to fall asleep was the most dangerous time. My sponsor suggested not going to bed until I was really tired. Then I was not to lie down in bed. Instead I was to sit up, against the wall. I would nod off while sitting upright, and then I could lean over and go to sleep.

And here’s someone else’s experience with showers:

Showering was a dangerous time for me. I acted out for the first time in the shower, and I'd been doing it for years and years. My body instinctively got aroused whenever I’d step inside. How could I stay sober?

I found that what worked was bringing God into the moment. I'd first say "God, I can't get undressed by myself. Please be with me." And then: ""God, I can't turn this water without you", "God, I can't put on this shampoo without you" and so on. The first time I did this I was so triggered my teeth were chattering. My body wanted to do it so badly but I kept praying anyway. Soon enough I was out of there - and I was still sober!

Years later, I hardly have to think about it anymore. Showers are no longer an ordeal. Once in a while I need to put in a quick prayer. But it's nowhere near the intensity it used to be. What a miracle! I never would have believed it.

These are a handful of our experiences. Ask around, there are many more!

Summary

The first few weeks of sobriety are scary and difficult, but we’ve all been through them. Every one of us.

The tools help us get through that first period when we’re first getting “back on the wagon”.

Intense work with sponsor and Steps will be required to maintain sobriety, but these tools have helped us get through that initial period. Soon enough lust weakens, the waves get fewer and farther between, and before you know it we’re comfortable being lust-free.

As always, ask your sponsor for further guidance.

I hope this will help you on your journey to recovery. It’s a roller coaster all right, but it’s a total blast!

It’s certainly been that way for me.

Have a great and sober day!

Thank You

Thanks to Daniel Yaakov, Dovid S, Esther C, Moshe H, Shloime P, and Sinai for contributing their time, stories, and experience.

Thanks to Gershon & Dovid C for reviewing the pre-release text.

Got feedback? Get in touch here. ›

Never miss an update

Get a fresh burst of recovery directly to your inbox, every Monday.

[mailjet_subscribe widget_id=”2″]

Got something to share?
If you have a thought, idea, or story that you think would be helpful, we’d love to hear from you!

This is a new exciting project, and we need all the help we can get!
Learn more about article submissions ›