“You can – but you won’t” - Sexaholics Anonymous Israel

This is the story of how a shift in perspective allowed me to do something I never thought possible.

I guess let’s start with a quick backstory….

Hi, my name is Esther and I’m a grateful recovering lust addict. Part of my disease is an obsession over this particular guy. He is somehow able to get me to do anything – and he knows it. I remember the first moment I met him. He walked through my front door, and it was “lust at first sight” (not how the saying goes, but we all know the truth). We instantly clicked. We chatted for hours over the next two days. Seeing where this was heading, we cut things off to give the relationship a chance in the future.

At this point I was in active addiction, and so of course the only way to get rid of the sexual tension was to have sex with his roommate. “The only way to be free of it was to do it” indeed. Some things just make me laugh.

Obviously, the whole keeping-a-distance thing didn’t really work, and so began our on-off friendship. Every time the sexual tension or emotional connection got too strong, we took a break.

I would tell him we needed to stop talking, and we’d break off. Then after a while he’d message me a simple question or comment, which gave me a little hit. But then I needed more, so I kept the connection going until we were on talking terms again. And then it would get too intense and I’d break it off again. And so the unhealthy addictive cycle went.

Even though I was working a pretty strong program, this guy just had me in his grips. He was my drug. I needed him, even though I hated to admit it. He gave me the little hits I needed in life to keep me going.

Many times I was told to block him, but I just couldn’t do it. What would happen to me without him in my life? I needed to have him in my back pocket!

For a long time I kept saying “I can’t”. Eventually, my sponsor finally said to me “You can, but you won’t”. I argued with her, of course, but it planted a seed in my head. I had created my own stumbling block. Saying “I can’t” gave me the excuse not to try.

The answer was simple – I just needed to change my perspective.

The very next day God gave me the opportunity to put my thoughts into action.

You guessed it, ‘HE’ messaged me again. As I said before, it always started with a simple innocent message. This time he was letting me know that he found one of my game cards. That sent me into a spiral, and I just got annoyed. Doesn’t he know what “don’t talk to me” means?

After I vented to my roommate, she challenged me to block him. I was about to say absolutely not, but then my sponsor’s words rang in my ears: “You can, but you won’t”.

It was true, I could – and would. Right there on the spot I sent him a message letting him know I was blocking him. But this time I actually did it.

I didn’t die, and life went on.

If I would’ve written this article last week (Like I was supposed to… lol) this would have been the end of the story. But God had other plans. He wanted me to share not just my experience and strength with you all, but also the hope of freedom.

Several days ago, on my way home from my Sunday night meeting, “this guy” got on my bus! Mind you, I was in a very vulnerable place. One of my friends had suddenly died the day before. I was up most of the night crying, and had stood by her fresh grave only a few hours before my meeting.

I spoke to him for a few minutes, catching up, but something was different. There was no lust. It was just a friendly conversation that ended when he got off the bus. There was no obsession, no need to message him at all. I called someone in program right away to check in and… nothing. It was so insignificant that I even forgot to tell my sponsor about it the next day.

Welcome to the miracles of program.

So remember next time you say you can’t do something…

It’s not “I can’t” – it’s “I won’t”